She never believed in goodbyes and always lived for the next day, the ‘next’ time, and the ‘until thens’. It has been two weeks since she left my home and the emptiness eases somewhat with each passing day.
I’ve been putting off, writing down my thoughts and putting together a post about my mother’s passing for a while now. People have told me that losing a parent is something you never really get over, much the same with a child or close loved one.
When I say eases, I don’t mean in a frivolous way either. I still have a year’s worth of habits to outgrow; setting her place at the dinner table, checking in on her every half an hour or so, scheduling her favorite show on the telly to record. These little things, are like emotional bombs. No, they are like, emotional nuclear bombs.
And still so close to the surface too. I suppose they always will be. I’m beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel, but there are so many detours, dips, doors, obstacles, places where I stop, cry, breathe, and rest. The grieving process almost seems cruel. Why would I want to feel the loss, feel the anger, and the resentment, and the hopelessness? Why would I want to ‘go through’ the stages? Wouldn’t it be ‘easier’ to just shut it all out, and escape?
No, a hundred times no. Because all of that pent up emotion would just grow into an uncontrollable, thing. A thing that may devour me in the end. And then where would my children be?
So my brothers, my sister and I, we go through her countless photo collections, reminiscing. ‘Talking story after story’, singing some of her favorite songs, telling her favorite jokes. And we feel her there, as we cherish her on this side of reality. It really does help.
I am learning that going through the rain, and not hiding from it, not running from it, will teach me to be stronger in the end. And I learn by listening to all of you, as you share your own stories of loss and love. Family, friends and even community support makes a world, even a virtual world, of difference.
*Jeune by Rowne.Denim Boiler Suit (Maitreya) | Luxebox SL October
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